Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?