Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Saturday
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.