Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
this is the best interaction on twitter
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.