My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Baking is just science you can eat.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Sorry not sorry.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.