[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
You Might Also Like
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.