Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”