My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
🙄😏😂🤣
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
WHY?!
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.