[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
This is hilarious….
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.