I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt