<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
You Might Also Like
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
O Wise One….
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Pretty much! 😂👀
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU