I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Not😆🤣
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*