When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
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If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
#Caturday
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.