When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A little too much information.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!