A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
This checks out
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Does it…does it take 3 days
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Sheep
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.