Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
You Might Also Like
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.