The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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medusa but her hair is an anaconda
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic