My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
What number SPF blocks people?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Only a mother’s love …
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”