EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Stop it! 😂
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Breaking news:
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.