[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
hey, alexa
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Pretty much. 🤣
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!