A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Milk Cube
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.