[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”