My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
When news reporters do sports stories
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.