Our lord and savoury.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.