‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones