if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My love language is hissing.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…