[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Doormats are a gateway rug.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.