I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You Might Also Like
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
sry
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud