My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?