Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
A French press is when you hug naked
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣