Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
the Monday after daylight savings
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
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Squash
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.