Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
#polloftheday
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.