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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.