Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
You Might Also Like
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.