I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Shower sex be like:
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Check your privilege
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..