Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery