Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.