I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…