GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Growing out my freckles.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?