My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Just say no
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.