i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!