1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
How did we not see this back then?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Ken is short for chicken
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.