Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”