[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back