Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.