Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
so much to do
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”