[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
You Might Also Like
Bartenders are just boneless bars
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working