Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.