The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
oh you wanna fight?!
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman