“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.