Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.